Once You Go In: A Memoir of Radical Faith- Carly Gelsinger

I'm so pleased to start this blog off with a review of Once You Go In: A Memoir of Radical Faith by Carly Gelsinger, an engaging memoir about one young woman's struggle to adopt a set of religious beliefs and behaviors that never quite match up to who she truly is.

As a young teenager, desperate for a place to fit in, Gelsinger joins Pine Canyon Assemblies of God, a Pentecostal church where the members roll on the floor, speak in tongues, and sob while being prayed over. None of this comes naturally to her and it's a struggle for Gelsinger to shape herself into the kind of person Pine Canyon has dictated she should be. Don't reveal even a hint of your feminine body. Don't question your leaders. Feel the spirit in the way everyone else does, using the correct vocabulary to speak to and about Jesus, and don't stray off that path, or there will be consequences- not only eternal, but social, too.

Gelsinger's doubts start early on, maybe immediately, and for the reader, it's obvious that she's trying hard to cram herself into a mold that doesn't fit. 'I cry because I am frightened for the way my peers pray, and I'm angry I can't pray like them...I cry because I don't think I believe in the Holy Spirit,' she writes, one of the many times she expresses her apprehension over what she's been taught. I was struck by the following passage, written about an extraordinarily long church sermon:

I cross my arms and decide [the pastor's] delivery is excessive and tacky. He looks extra reptilian tonight, with his triple chin quaking with every word, long neck outstretched to the heavens, and eyes darting around his congregation. Like a spirit-filled Gila monster.

Later on in the sermon, she observes:

"Isn't the Lord such a sweet, sweet presence?" he asks, and the group nods and clucks.

 No, I think. No, it's not sweet. It's boring and weird.

It's obvious from the beginning she's not quite all in.

Pine Canyon is a strange place. Gelsinger struggles to connect with and understand the sermons, and struggles harder to make a place for herself amongst the cliquish youth group. She's taught to doubt her doubts, as the saying goes, and mistrust her own feelings and instincts from the beginning. She often notes something is creepy or weird, but she forges on, desperate to conform. At one point on a missions trip to Romania, she's sexually assaulted on a public bus, and the female youth leader is quick to put the blame on Gelsinger. The messages about the absolute need to disregard your own feelings, so dangerous for a young woman, are hammered home again and again, though to Gelsinger's credit, she's never able to fully commit to this faulty ideal.

Things start to unravel after her house is destroyed in a wildfire, and Gelsinger finds herself less and less able to act like the person Pine Canyon demands that she be. A later church's homophobic marriage initiative nearly breaks her, and when her youth pastor (at the time) fiancé is fired for not bringing in the right kind of kids (kids whose parents tithe heavily, of course), the dam bursts and she realizes it's not about the spirit and never has been- it's always been about control.

This is a fabulous memoir. Gelsinger portrays her doubts and questions easily, although they must have been hard to quash at the time. Her discomfort- during lengthy services where people speak in tongues, feeling as though she has to witness to her best friend, having a sleepover with her youth pastor's wife and the wife climbs in bed with her at night and drapes her leg over her- shines through on nearly every page and it's uncomfortably honest and refreshing to read.

Something that struck me as I read this was the depth of responsibility placed on the shoulders of children and teenagers on mission trips. Gelsinger is told, "Witness to the person next to you on the flight home; if the plane goes down before they've had the chance to accept Jesus, you'll be held accountable." We don't hold our youth responsible for the physical survival of another person; why on earth would we heap the responsibility for someone's soul on them? This isn't something I'd ever considered before, and now I'm horrified by the stress and fear that must cause some kids. How damaging, and how unnecessary.

Gelsinger's faith finally lands in a comfortable place and the relief- hers and the reader's- is nearly palpable at the end. For anyone who's ever tried to force themselves into a mold that didn't quite fit, for anyone who's tried to be or become something that doesn't quite ring true to their soul, this is your book.


Visit Carly Gelsinger's website at https://carlygelsingerauthor.com/